Continuing the Saboteur series, we will learn next about the Pleaser Saboteur.
The Pleaser destabilises us by constantly looking to be accepted by others, by helping, rescuing and flattering them.
Main characteristics of the Pleaser are:
Has a need to be likes by people and always tries to earn these likes by keeping them happy and flattering them
Needs frequent reassurances from others about their skills and acceptance
Cannot express their own feelings in the fear that these will collide with the desires of others
The Pleaser only thinks of being a good person and that by putting our thoughts before others we will be happy. After all the effort we put into relationships, we feel unappreciated. The Pleaser makes us think that others are disregarding our feelings and actions and this feeling ultimately turns into a spiteful attitude.
We end up thinking we can make anyone like us by pleasing them and any little thing that goes unnoticed or not valued at the level we expect, automatically makes us feel sad and angry.
The Pleaser controls us by telling us that everything we are doing is done with a selfless attitude and that we do not expect anything in return. Another lie it tells us is that if everyone would do the same, the world would be a better place.
The Pleaser makes us feel like expressing our own needs is selfish and convinces us that by doing so we will drive others away. someone dominated by the Pleaser Saboteur turns resentful very quickly by feeling unappreciated by has a hard time expressing that.
By having this attitude, it ultimately will affect our relationships with self and others. It will push people away by always having the expectations of “a million thanks” for every actions. This will only bring more resentment and burnout to us and put pressure of relationships with others.
We lose sight of our own needs and end up feeling resentful towards ourselves, others and a situation. We learn as we grow older that we cannot please everyone and not everyone will be thankful for our actions.
There is balance in that and there should be balance in the way we interact with others - constantly offering to do things for other will not only impact us and lead to burnout, but it will also make others develop dependence. This dependence can take away from that person’s empowerment and confidence so we need to be mindful of how much and when we should help.
Remember to try some PQ reps when you feel you Pleaser trying to take over.
Is the Pleaser one of your Saboteurs? If not, keep coming back for a future post on Accomplice Saboteurs.